Polling the Internet: What Will the Government Blame Havana Syndrome on Next?

Havana syndrome, the weird malaise that has impacted over a thousand U.S. overseas service members all around the world, continues to be a complete thriller. Certainly, whilst the federal government has tried to elucidate away among the weirdness, it’s fairly apparent we nonetheless don’t have any fucking thought what this factor is.

On Wednesday, the intelligence neighborhood apparently concluded that, no, Havana syndrome is not the results of some kind of sonic weapon wielded by a overseas energy. Nicely, sorta. A well-liked and ongoing concept that sought to elucidate why diplomats and CIA officers all around the world have been stricken with the neurological issues indicative of the syndrome, the “sonic weapon” concept posited that somebody—probably a geopolitical enemy—was utilizing a mysterious, never-before-seen weapon to mentally injure U.S. officers. Some proponents of this concept blamed Russia as a possible offender.

Nevertheless, the most recent “Intelligence Group Evaluation” from the Workplace of the Director of Nationwide Intelligence (ODNI), which was compiled after years of investigation, concludes that it’s “extremely unlikely” that—for almost all of the circumstances—the neurological accidents are the results of sonic weaponry or {that a} overseas energy was concerned. As an alternative, the federal government has attributed what it’s now calling the “Anomalous Well being Incidents,” or AHIs, to “preexisting situations, standard diseases, and environmental elements.”

Unusually, these findings appear to fly within the face of what quite a few intelligence officers have beforehand mentioned on the matter. In February 2022, a panel of scientific specialists working for the intelligence companies concluded that Havana Syndrome was most definitely brought on by “pulsed electromagnetic vitality delivered by an exterior machine”—a declare that had additionally been circulated by quite a few authorities officers for the reason that incidents first began cropping up years in the past.

To make issues extra complicated, the federal government additionally mentioned Wednesday that for a small group of circumstances—roughly two dozen—they may not rule out “overseas involvement.” With that considerably inscrutable data in thoughts, additionally take into account that this entire scenario is additional difficult by the truth that it’s being reported second hand. The report, which has not been publicly launched, is being fed to journalists by authorities insiders with data of what has been mentioned, though the precise wording the federal government seems to have used is considerably obscure and never altogether clear.

For apparent causes, the sonic weapon rationalization has at all times been deeply controversial. Apart from conjuring scoff-inducing rhetoric about “rayguns” and shadowy plots, the science behind the sort of hypothetical weapon has been hotly debated. Skepticism on this entrance has even led some critics to accuse the federal government of conducting some kind of psychological operation to border our geopolitical foes for the diseases. But skeptics by no means did a very good job of accounting for what had really occurred to the victims. If there have been no rayguns, what the heck occurred to those individuals’s brains?

Nicely, in line with the intelligence neighborhood’s newest launch, the reply to that query is two-fold. For a majority of the circumstances, the reply is: not a lot! But additionally: for a number of of us…perhaps a raygun?

In the identical assertion during which she attributed the weird episodes to “environmental elements” and “standard diseases,” Avril Haines, the director of nationwide intelligence and head of ODNI, additionally oddly said that “these findings don’t name into query the very actual experiences and signs that our colleagues and their members of the family have reported.”

…Besides, they sorta do, proper? I imply, except I’m lacking one thing right here, the federal government has completely failed to elucidate what occurred to those individuals. What “standard diseases” would have prompted these signs? Had been the signs, as they had been described, actual? And what “environmental elements” might have prompted this to occur? I imply, researchers on the College of Pennsylvania medical college discovered indicators of precise mind injury in 40 of the alleged State Division victims. Was that brought on by mentioned elements and diseases?

At this level, the entire lack of solutions is par for the course. Certainly, the sonic weapon concept is only one of a seemingly infinite stream of espoused explanations which have been put ahead to elucidate the unusual diseases. To evaluation, along with a secret world raygun conspiracy, Havana syndrome has additionally been blamed on crickets, pesticides, “stress or emotional pressure,” mass hysteria, obscure “environmental and medical elements” and one thing known as “ultrasounds.” Now, per the just lately shared report, the federal government can be apparently blaming different benign-sounding culprits, together with beforehand recognized diseases, “malfunctioning air-con and air flow methods,” and “electromagnetic waves coming from benign units like a pc mouse.” As none of these items have a lot to do with each other, it simply sorta feels like of us are throwing crap on the wall to see what sticks.

I imply, what was this factor? Was it a traumatic, never-before-seen sickness that’s now weirdly being attributed to slightly mundane causes? Was it a trumped up effort in charge Russia and China for fictitious (however weirdly unbelievable) dastardly deeds? A case of “mass hysteria” concurrently hitting State Division officers all around the globe—individuals who, sometimes, aren’t significantly vulnerable to hysteria? Or was it only a case of droves of CIA brokers reallllly needing a trip…after which happening “60 Minutes” to earnestly clarify actually weird signs that don’t have anything to do with needing a trip? Or was it that all of them bought shot with a raygun and that rayguns exist and that any individual is on the market firing them off with wild abandon?

No matter the actual reply is, it sorta beg the query: what is going to the federal government blame Havana Syndrome on subsequent? It’s onerous to think about we’re executed with the random attribution. I humbly submit the next for consideration:

Maintaining an excessive amount of lint in your dryer vent Consuming whereas laying down Fidel Castro’s ghostThat factor the place your laptop overheats and begins whirring actually loudlyTiktokBeer earlier than liquor Cultural MarxismTiktokInflation

My guess might be Tiktok or inflation, however be at liberty to pontificate within the remark part when you have any strong concepts.